


and i've grown familiar (with villains that live in my head)

by therealMugCollector



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: A little, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, F/M, Hallucinations, I'll add more as things happen, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Violence, i guess, i just want my homies to be happy and not dead, so neither of them are dying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 06:12:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10803387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therealMugCollector/pseuds/therealMugCollector
Summary: Clarke wanders for days. Eventually, she comes face to face with her demons.Or, the one where Lincoln never killed Cage. And the first dose is the worst.





	and i've grown familiar (with villains that live in my head)

**Author's Note:**

> so i originally posted this like a year ago but deleted it because I was not happy with my writing. i've somewhat fixed it but its probably going to be edited at least once more. also please go easy on me as this is my first clexa fic. in this version clarke left camp jaha in the middle of the night after the battle at the mountain so she literally said goodbye to zero people. and she's a lot more understanding of lexa's betrayal because 1) her feelings for lexa grew faster and were more intense before the mountain than they were in canon and 2) she's busy being fucked up that the comfort and safety lexa brings her overrides her anger towards lexa (for now, bc she's def angry at her, but she also forgives her) 
> 
> alright so, here goes nothing.

Clarke's been walking for days when she realizes that she doesn’t know where she is anymore. _Good. Now there’s less chance that someone will find me._ All she knows is that she’s tired and thirsty and they won’t leave her alone. No matter the time, they are always there. In her dreams or when she’s awake, they’re always screaming and begging and asking why, why, _why_. Clarke wishes she had an answer for them.

The sun is almost at its peak and Clarke’s been awake for much longer than that. She hasn’t been able to sleep, even in her exhausted state. She keeps going anyway, knowing that every step puts her further away from the places that haunt her mind. Deciding that it’s about time to get something to eat, Clarke unsheathes the only weapon she has.

The knife Lexa gifted her before they marched to Mount Weather.

Pursuing a trail in the absolute quiet of the forest gives Clarke time to think. Which is never good because it usually ends up with her thinking about Lexa.

In the beginning, all she could think about was what she did. Now she can ignore the haunt of the mountain. But once she’s asleep they scream and burn and damn her for all the deaths she’s caused.

Clarke’s spotted a rabbit when she see’s something that’s definitely not a rabbit move through the trees. It startles her, and for a moment she remembers the horrors that have found her in the woods. She decides to move on after nothing moves again.

Whatever was there is gone now.

Clarke knows she shouldn’t forgive Lexa for betraying her and her people, but a part of her already has. After a dream one night, Clarke realized that what Lexa did to her and the Sky People, she did to the people of Mount Weather. Lexa betrayed Clarke, but Clarke betrayed her allies within the Mountain.

Retrospectively, Clarke knows that Lexa only did what she thought was best for her people and no matter how much Lexa may wish for Clarke to be her people, she simply isn’t. There’s a pain in her heart when she thinks that she and Lexa may always be on opposing sides. That they may always care for each other but constantly be torn apart by the needs of their people.

Clarke is ripped from her inner thoughts when she glimpses a deer out of the corner of her eye. Walking quietly, Clarke gets as close as possible to the deer, regrips her dagger, and throws it with what little accuracy she can muster up. The dagger sinks into the deer but isn’t immediately fatal.

The deer takes off as soon as it’s hit.

Clarke follows at a fast pace and eventually the deer stops and staggers to the ground. Clarke goes up to it and takes her dagger out and quickly ends its life.

“Yu gonplei ste odon,” Clarke whispers.

Clarke gets up and leaves the deer to find some branches to tie together with the twine she has in her pack.

Once the deer is situated on Clarke’s contraption, she heads in the direction of a clearing she saw earlier in the day.

After she’s done with eating, her number one priority needs to be finding a source of water. Then, hopefully, she can follow the stream or river away from Camp Jaha until she hits a village or another Clan. Maybe she’ll become a healer for them. But for now Clarke is at the very least happy that she finally has managed to acquire food. When she had left Camp Jaha in the middle of the night, all she had taken in her pack was twine, her dagger, a pouch for water, and a few rations of food. The last of her rations were gone days ago and the berries that she knows are safe to eat don’t grow everywhere.

Clarke is thinking about how good that fucking deer is going to taste when she notices the same figure from before, standing at the edge of the clearing.

Except this time they’re not moving.

They’re staring straight at Clarke.

Clarke freezes, trying to decide whether to address the person and hope they don’t kill her or to leave the first meal she’s had in days and run.

_They haven’t moved yet, maybe they’re trying to stop me from going in that direction? Or maybe they want you to turn and run so they can kill you from behind._

The person hasn’t moved since Clarke has caught sight of them, and they’re too far to attack, so she decides to take her chances.

Taking in a breath and croaking words to another person for the first time in weeks, Clarke calls out, “Who are you?”

When there’s no response, Clarke figures her voice might be worse off than she thought so she tries again, louder this time, “Who are you?”

There is still no response.

_I should leave before it’s too late._

As Clarke turns to keep moving the person disappears.

_What the fuck._

Clarke looks all around to see where the person went but they’re nowhere to be found. Clarke has seen many strange things since she landed on the ground, but someone disappearing in thin air is not something she has seen before.

_Maybe I’m having another nightmare. It wouldn’t be the first time._

Clarke squeezes the branches she’s holding, feeling the bark cut into her palm.

_But everything feels so real._

Clarke attempts to start moving again before she becomes paralyzed with fear.

Someone is _breathing_ on the back of her neck.

Clarke is scared out of her fucking mind. She’s frozen where she stands and her heart is pumping so loud she almost misses what is being whispered in her ear.

“Why, Clarke?”

 _Maya_.

Clarke would recognize that voice anywhere. She hears it every night in her nightmares. And Clarke still can’t tell if she’s awake or asleep. Apparently though, Maya’s there to answer that question for her.

“You’re awake, Clarke. And alive, which is more than I can say for _myself_ or my people. They’re back in the Mountain rotting in their own waste. You’re alive, Clarke, when you should be _dead_. You deserve to die for all the lives you’ve taken…”

Clarke tries to block out what the apparition of Maya is spewing because she knows the real Maya didn’t believe any of that. The real Maya understood that Clarke did what she had to do, what Cage forced her to do. But the voice in Clarke’s ear keeps getting louder, and the guilt Clarke harbors over Mount Weather is too immense for her.

“Shut up!” Clarke yells, her raspy voice sounding raw and painful after weeks without use.

Maya doesn’t stop, though, and Clarke’s not sure why she thought that she would. Maya keeps going, keeps getting louder and keeps spitting more and more venom-filled words. Maya doesn’t stop and then more people from the Mountain appear.

Most are bodies without faces.

Elders, civilians, and _children_ alike appear in front of Clarke. All without faces, without distinct voices, but all of them call out to her. All of them ask why she hurt them. Why she destroyed their families, their lives. Why she thought they didn’t deserve to _live_ even when they had helped her.

Clarke wishes she had a good enough answer for them.

Clarke is about to scream out at them to stop, when they do. All of them just...stop. Clarke isn’t sure why until she discerns him from the rest.

 _Dante_.

At this point, Clarke has dropped the deer to the ground, broke out in a sweat, and can barely breathe. _Dante_ appearing and walking to stand in front of her doesn’t help matters much.

“Look at you, Clarke. You’re just like me, murdering innocents for your people. Doing what _must_ be done and bearing the burden so the rest of your people don’t have to. So they don’t have to feel the pain your feeling, and can therefore thrive in _peace_ …”

After Clarke left Camp Jaha, she thought a lot about what had happened at Mount Weather. One of the first realizations Clarke had was that she had turned into the same person as Dante. Clarke thought she had accepted what she knew as the truth, but hearing it from Dante himself hurt her like nothing she’s ever felt before.

“...I wasn’t sure you listened to me, but you clearly took what I said to heart.”

 _Clearly_.

Soon all the other voices start up again. Yelling louder the sound of the dropship as it descended to Earth. Clarke falls to the ground, the emotions she’s feeling too much for her to handle. Usually she would fight back, but how is she supposed to fight something that isn’t there?

_I wish Lexa was here._

And it’s the thought of Lexa that gives Clarke the strength to get up and start running.

Clarke runs away from the first meal she’s had in days.

Clarke runs away from the _imagined_ voices of the people she’s killed.

Clarke runs away from the silent Mountain Man who is very, very _real_. 

**Author's Note:**

> thnx for reading my shitty fic my dudes u rock my world! but seriously let me know what you think about the first chapter. I'm hoping to get a second one up soon, fingers crossed.


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